Tag Archives: funny

Serious Party Girls (2009)

At a well attended college party around time of Halloween. I was checking out the low-lit scene; i hardly knew anyone.
I was walking past a guy in the middle and two scandalously dressed girls on either side. One girl put a glow stick in between her cleavage. The other girl replied by leaning right into that girl’s big boobs and proudly taking out the glow stick with her mouth.
It
Was
Spectacular!
As i approached I asked, “What game are you playing?”
They said “what!?” So i repeated louder.
The guy looked blankly at me, and both girls exchanged a look at each other with a hint of perplexity and turned to me.
Then the girl that dug the glow-stick from her friend’s boobs replied with a touch of vitality, “It’s not a game.”

conversation 15 (feminist artist)

A: Do you know that female artist that made really feminine work? Fuck I can’t remember her name.
B: Which one? Ohhhhhh you mean the one that pulled a scroll out of her vagina?
A: Hahaha, no, the one that made a series of dildos like modeled after skyscrapers.

conversation 13 (Japan tsunami 2011)

A: OH MY GODDD! look what’s going on in Japan!!
B: What’s going on in Japan?
A: Dude where have you been for the past 12 hours!?
B: Williamsburg.

creative birthday cake candle blow-out

I was in grade school and was celebrating my birthday with my Russian-accent-family and the few new friends i invited over to our house. It was time to bring out the birthday cake. AS it was beign brought out everyone started singing the birthday song. The cake was set on the table by me with all the candles burning. As they were singing i decided to do something funny and original. It occured to me that the action of blowing out the candles seemed a lot like sneezing, so i decided to fake a sneez and blow out the candles as if i was sneezing. I got really excited cause everyone was going to find it hilarious and dramatic that i “sneezed” on the cake and blew out the candles that way. Everyone would laugh and i would feel really cool. As the birthday song finished i prepared. then i wound up and catapulted my upper body forward and downwards toward the cake as if it was a big sneeze, and made an “AAHHHHHHhh-CHOOOOOOO” as i blew air out of my mouth onto the cake, i realized its kind of hard to look like your sneezing and blow air out your mouth at the same time, and somehow the unexpected happened. I actually sneezed out snot as my face was headed at the cake. my hands were by my face and caught the snot before it hit the cake. The sequence turned out to be dramatically shitty, and not illusional. My new friends who i really wanted to be my friends were disgusted, and repulsed that i sneezed on the cake. They thought i was so uncool and would probably tell everyone at schol and i’d end up being the loser that i was. I was upset. I tried to fake sneeze, but i actually sneezed and everyone probably thought it was real, and i looked foolish. it was tragic and funny, but nobody except me knew it was accidental.

I forgot what i was wishing for, (probably more friends) but thats the story of the most unfortunate birthday cake candle blow-out, and the moment i became a joke.

conversation 12 (one night stands)

A:  How is you girl situation? Have you had any one-night stands?
B:  ahhhmmm… no unfortunately I haven’t.  But I almost had 2.  Wait, no 3.  Err wait, maybe it was 4?

Account of last night

——————————————————-

I called my friend Fabio.
We didn’t know what to do.
On the way to Fabio’s some former classmates spotted me on the bus. When me an one of the got off she said, “have a good night!” I wished her a good night too, and she went the other way.
We met up at a bar.
Then we decided to go to his friend’s birthday party.
All the girls seemed to be taken.  Or they were from Austria.
I told Fabio: lets become more optimistic.
I drank beer.
And so did he.
And a Spanish girl drank from a very very large margarita glass.  It was so large, in fact that even though she took sips, it didn’t look like there was less liquid in the glass.
Fabio tried to steal my iphone because I was more preoccupied with it than the party.
A guy I met was very excited about me, even though he just met me.  I speculated that he was gay.
I found out he wasn’t.
I thought about taking ecstasy.
I went to the bathroom. (2nd time).  I researched ecstasy from the bathroom downstairs.
A girl was there who seemed distressed.
She was checking herself out in the mirror and asked me if she looked like dyke.
I looked at her chest and told her she didn’t.  It seemed there was something on her mind which I wasn’t aware of.  (later I found out it had to do with not getting with the guy she wanted).
We introduced each other.
I was already before that beginning to feel optimistic.
Then I left with my friends to the Woods (a bar with a dancefloor). (we go there almost every weekend.)  Its where we end up at the end of the night.  I like the place.   I think.
Soon I went up to explore the dancefloor at the top.
As I walked onto it I casually asked a girl that was sitting on a chair with a phone or something or nothing:  “Hey, why aren’t you dancing?”
She spontaneously replied, “I don’t’ know” as she slid off the chair and began to dance as if on cue.
She started to dance with me, quickly.  I liked that a lot.  It was fascinating.  She was very hot.  I became optimistic.
My optimism increased (and it wasn’t just my optimism that increased).
But also, (it would seem), the possibility of me having sex with her tonight!
I knew it wasn’t unrealistic because of the enthusiastic way she was dancing and because of the way she was rubbing her butt on my crotch.  And the way she touched my hands.  And I think other areas of my body.   She was a wild dancer.
I asked what her name was.  She said Mary, and she smiled so lovely, with squinting eyes.  When I thought about it later, part of the reason I fell in love with that delightful moment was that it ma de me want to come on that face.
Then I kissed her neck.  Or maybe it was some other part of her.
Or maybe I asked her name after I kissed her.  (oh well I guess it doesn’t matter)
She had a tattoo on her arm.
Then she said she likes pain.  Then I asked her: you like paint? She re-affirmed what I already hear, and explained a bit.
I asked her if she likes it when I pull her hair?  Or she just told me that.
So I pulled her hair.
A friend of mine passed by and checked us out.  I think he was positively proud of my accomplishment.
And after I pulled her hair she ferociously pushed her face into mine and made out with me.  At the same time she dug her fingers into my back or something very viciously.  We embraced tightly.  It kind of hurt, with her scratching and digging fingers into me, and I thought about that feeling, and it was an interesting feeling.  Painful and erotic at the same time.
Because she was so hard on me, I became harder on her.
We flirted.  I felt very suave, and somehow it was naturall.
I told her in her ear: I want to tell you something later.
She told me I should tell her now cause she might not be here later.
I was surprised, but kept dancing.
We made out some more.  She wasn’t very good at making out.
She bit my neck, very hard. Ouch, I thought.
She stopped dancing, and At this point or so, she turned around and said I’m a little too rough with her.  I was confused and said that she said that she liked pain.  She said you have to be rough but gentle.
I agreed to her terms.
Said she has to go to the bathroom.
I thought, oh shit.  She is gonna disappear.   That’s what girls do.  It was so sudden that I didn’t know anything too clever to say in order to make sure she came back.
I said something to her.
She left.
I stood and waited.
Then I began to doubt that she was coming back.
I couldn’t see a big bathroom line.
But I kept standing and waiting.  Maybe she was actually going to come back, and it would suck if we missed each other.
I checked my iphone for the time.
I checked my phone for the time again, but I forgot what time it was when I last checked.
Then my friend came by who came by earlier and was proud of me and he asked where my girl went?
I told him that she said she went to the bathroom but that she probably went home.
He said no way lets go find her.
I followed him around pointlessly.
I went up to my friends and said I’m leaving.  It was bar- time anyways.
I was very, very, very, very, very, very, very, disappointed.  This was so stupid and unfortunate.  Like what the fuck?
I looked up directions to my house and went to the bus stop.  I thought a little but about her on the way.  And a lot about how hot she was and how awesome it would’ve been to fuck her.  I figured not every girl is like her.
I came to the bus stop and waited.   It was supposed to come in 3 minutes, but in much more than 3 minutes it still wasn’t there.
I slammed my fist on the metal grates.  It made a very loud sound which I liked.  I did it again.  And again, but this time I hit it harder.
I was pissed and followed another route home.  It was dark and cold and didn’t look like a very safe place and time to be.  But something about that was attractive.
I ran a little bit.
When I got to the next bus stop it still didn’t come I think, so I went to another bus stop I think.
Finally I got on the bus and realized that the shortest route became the longest route.  I was angry.
I walked home from where the bus dropped me off.
By that bus stop I passed a wooden crate.
I turned around and it dawned on me to let my frustration out on the wooden crate, so I jumped on it and broke it.
Then I walked further.
Further there was another crate leaning on a grate.  I picked it up and threw it against the sidewalk.  Then I kicked and broke part of it.
I hit another grate but didn’t necessarily want to wake people up.
I came home past 5am and sat in front of the computer.  I listened to lil wayne’s song where there is a part that goes like “…and fuck these bitches, I swear I care about everything but these bitches…” I decided to copy the lyrics by manually re-typing them and emphasize this part which was the chorus so I wrote two posts in my blog.
I was drunk so it was hard to type fast and accurately, but I let the errors show.
At about 6:09am I went to bed.

conversation 11 (suicidal thoughts)

A: Hey I meant to tell you earlier that if you are having suicidal thoughts, maybe you should talk to a psychologist.

B: Thanks, but I’m not suicidal anymore.

A: Oh.

Conversation 9 (tell me more, tell me more)

dude!
i had my 2nd date today
w/24 yr old
******

2:28am
yeah?

2:28am
ya it was awesome

2:28am
how’d it go?
tell me more
tell me more
tell me more

2:28am
before i was even able to take out my card she already had cash out to pay for it
and she was already talkin about the next place were gonna go

2:29am
did you get very far?

2:29am
what do u mean?

2:29am
like does she have a car?

2:30am
hahahah wtf
ya she does

2:30am
uhu

2:30am
we havent done anything like that tho yet
but, it’s coming

2:30am
was it love at first sight?

2:30am
fsho
im very much into her

2:31am
Tell me more, tell me more

2:31am
very level headed
mature
has opinions on things in the world

2:31am
so did she put up a fight?

2:31am
haha what?

2:32am
idk did you guys fight at all did she start a fight cause she’s level headed?

2:32am
lol no
it was all rly good convo

2:32am
uhu-huh

2:32am
i rly like the way she looks at things

2:32am
-uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh

2:33am
hahhaha
shes kinda like me in that she has way too much going on in her head

2:33am
tell me more

2:33am
ummm

2:34am
tell me more

2:34am
well
im sure shes thought about the fact that im 19
but
we havent spoken about that yet

2:35am
How much dough did u spend?

2:35am
on thursday, about 25 or 27
today it was right around 25 but she paid for it

2:36am
could she get me a friend?

2:36am
hahah she doesnt knkow that many ppl here apparently…
but, maybe

2:37am
tell me more, tell me more

2:37am
ummm
idk wat else to say at this point
i guess
itd be kinda scary to get in a real relationship w/her
because when we graduate (she’ll graduate same time as me), she’s gonna be 26 or 27 yrs old
which is gettin close to prime time for starting up a family, right?
ill be 22
and possibly goin to med school

2:39am
can i make this into another conversation of mine if i omit your name and her name?

2:40am
of course
why haha

2:41am

2:42am
jhahahhaha my god dude
sry i didnt make rhymes

conversation #8 (decoding women’s inuendos)

A: so youd have sex with other people in the room your saying?
B: haha yes we almost did 

literally it was 1 second away from happening if her friend didnt fall asleep on us
i knew it when she said
“i really want to fuck you”
A:  haha, you have those unique ways ******. those ways of decoding women’s mysterious inuendos

You Have More Freedom than You Are Using (Analysis of Dan Attoe’s brilliant work)

"You have more freedom than you are using"

This week I was working on my own neon light artwork and came across this gem by artist Dan Attoe.  At first glance the foolish image of the topless, blow-up-doll-like young woman and snowflakes is so shocking that one is forced to continue searching to figure out just what on earth this lunatic looking woman with a few strands of hair is doing. Where is she and why are there snowflakes coming out of her open mouth, reminiscent of a blow up doll’s mouth that is unnaturally constantly open, (why blow-up dolls are so funny).  We then read the statement below her waist written in goofy adolescent style handwriting with the same feeling of Comic Sans: “You have more freedom than you’re using.”  This puts the viewer in an awkward position, where he is at once expected to get a joke and laugh or understand the work as if after a punchline, yet he is confused as to the meaning of this text and how it relates to the image, and if it is even meant to be funny, a work of art, or a silly sign made by an amateur artist for shits and giggle.   The woman seems to be freely running topless outside in the winter, yes those snowflakes are snowflakes, but could also double as sounds coming from her mouth as if singing.  Or is she trying to eat them?   Her arms are open to welcome what’s ahead, and more questions about what exactly she is saying or singing arise.  She is within her world, as there is nothing else indicating a more specific setting or time.  The piece seems to say “Hey you!  You have freedom and you aren’t using it; USE IT!”  An out of place remark that assumes, but in the end cannot be argued with for it is true for all.

A dialogue between three entities is uncovered when we realize the message does not apply solely to the viewer, but could be addressing the young lady, and the artist as well.  The artist chose to use neon light, which is a very sexy, attention-grabbing medium of communication, but at the same time numerous limitations, such as ability to render specific detail, utilize shade, various texture, and so on…  The most important limitation to this concept that the artist exploited is neon light’s inflexibility, (both literally and metaphorically), that is inadequate to portray a human being in motion dancing or running around in snowfall.  We can’t see her hair wave in the wind, or her mouth change shape, and we can’t hear her.  Neon’s inhuman quality and consumer related baggage make the whole work and statement impersonal.  The artist is giving himself advice.  Because we are only left to imagine the lower half of this sexy lady, it could be a lesson for her as well, like, “Hey! Did you ever think of liberating yourself from all your clothes and frolicking completely naked?  The work has a dreamlike quality, hovering against the wall, yet physically immobile.  The viewer can independently interpret the statement as it relates to his life.  Also her nipples are different colors giving the artwork just that little “Yeee-Ha!” of self-unaware wildness.  Bravo Dan Attoe!

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!yLoh TihS!

copy of shirt by Dan Colen

You can get the real shirt here, this is just one i made cause it’s cheaper to make it.  Flip it upside down in front of the mirror and see what it says.  Artist Dan Colen made a painting like this, and then appropriated it into a t-shirt.